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Is Anyone Else Alarmed by the Decline of Civility?

by | Mar 7, 2025 | Advice for Leaders, Facilitating Learning, Goal Setting Conversation, Growth and Development, Mentoring Communication, Mentoring Questions, Mentoring Relationships, Supporting Mentors and Mentees

Civility is disappearing. Public meetings turn into shouting matches. Social media feeds overflow with personal attacks. Customers berate service workers. Even in workplaces, people talk past each other instead of to each other.

And it’s not just about rudeness. It’s how quickly conversations escalate, how little space there is for listening, and how disagreement turns into hostility. Civility isn’t about being well-behaved or avoiding conflict. It’s about how we engage—even when challenging norms or shaking things up.

Real change has never come from people simply being “nice.” It has come from people speaking up and staying in relationship with one another. Civility allows us to break barriers without breaking connections.

Civility Creates Community and Strengthens Peer Networks

When incivility takes over, people disengage, avoid tough conversations, or retreat into echo chambers. Over time, this fuels loneliness and isolation.

On the other hand, civility builds strong teams, workplaces, and neighborhoods. It makes people feel heard, valued, and more willing to participate.

Peer networks—professional, academic, or social—depend on civility. A thriving workplace or grassroots movement requires an atmosphere where people feel safe to share ideas. Civility paves the way for individuals to connect and form a true community.

Civility and Diplomacy: Learning From One Another

Civility and diplomacy go hand in hand. Diplomacy isn’t just for world leaders—it’s a skill we all use in daily life. Whether negotiating at work, leading diverse teams, or collaborating across cultures, diplomacy requires listening, thoughtful communication, and relationship-building—all hallmarks of civility.

Diplomacy isn’t about avoiding conflict; it’s about navigating it productively. The best diplomats don’t just argue their points—they learn from others. Civility enables that kind of meaningful dialogue.
When civility is abandoned—whether in politics, business, or everyday interactions—trust erodes, relationships break down, and opportunities for cooperation are lost.

Where Civility Has Gone Off the Rails

We see examples of incivility daily:

  • Breakdowns in Diplomacy: Dismissiveness and hostility in high-stakes negotiations weaken global cooperation and stall progress.
  • Social Media’s Callout Culture: What was meant to connect us often turns into a space where a single misstep—sometimes even a misunderstood comment—leads to public backlash.
  • Toxic Workplace Cultures: When people don’t feel respected, collaboration and innovation suffer, and disengagement rises.

Where Civility Has Made a Difference

Despite the challenges, civility still drives meaningful change. It is evident in processes like Open Space Technology (OST) and Restorative Justice (RJ), which create environments where people can engage in honest, respectful dialogue and tackle big issues through a shared sense of ownership and problem-solving. It also shows up in these contexts:

  • Programs That Foster Dialogue Across Divides: Organizations like Tomorrow’s Women, which brings together young Israeli and Palestinian women, and The Sustained Dialogue Institute, which fosters conversations in divided communities, show that structured, civil dialogue can bridge deep divides.
  • Cross-Industry Collaboration in Business: Successful multinational companies prioritize civility-driven negotiation, strengthening partnerships and decision-making.
  • Diplomatic Success: The Colombia Peace Agreement – In 2016, the Colombian government and FARC rebels ended five decades of conflict through civil negotiations, trust-building, and diplomacy. Instead of relying on force, leaders engaged in dialogue, proving that even deep divisions can be healed through civility.

Civility Starts with Small Choices

We can draw on these successes and make a difference in our workplaces and our relationships.

Civility isn’t about avoiding hard conversations. It’s about ensuring they remain productive. And while large-scale change matters, the real shift starts at the micro level—in everyday conversations, workplaces, and interactions.

So before sending that dismissive email, interrupting a colleague, or shutting down a different perspective, let’s take a beat. A single moment of civility—a pause, a question, an act of listening—can change the tone of a conversation and create space for connection.

Civility isn’t about pretending we all agree—it’s about ensuring we don’t lose each other in the process.

Where have you seen civility make a difference in your workplace, team, or community? 

Civility

The Quality of Your Questions

by | May 30, 2024 | Advice for Leaders, Facilitating Learning, Goal Setting Conversation, Growth and Development, Making Mentoring Work For You, Mentoring Communication, Mentoring Questions, Mentoring Relationships, Supporting Mentors and Mentees

The best mentor-mentee relationships thrive on curiosity and powerful questions. Mentors should resist the urge to “fix” problems and avoid prescribing specific actions. Mentees should focus less on being who they think their mentor wants and more on approaching interactions with a willingness to learn, grow, and discover how to think.

I am always seeking great questions to facilitate these interactions. Recently, I discovered three excellent questions while listening to the audiobook Clear Thinking* by Shane Parrish. Parrish suggests that when seeking advice, your goal should be to understand how the other person thinks, not just what they think. Although his book is not specifically about mentoring, the questions he proposes can be highly beneficial for both mentees and mentors.

Questions Mentees can ask their Mentors
Mentees might ask….

1. What variables would you consider if you were in my shoes?
How do these variables relate to one another?

2. What do you know about this problem that I don’t?
What can you see based on your experience that someone without it cannot?
What do you know that most people don’t?

3. What would your process be for making this decision if you were in my shoes?

Questions Mentors can ask their Mentees
These questions are also valuable for mentors. Instead of offering solutions or suggestions, mentors can prompt their mentees to reflect by asking:

1. What variables in this decision are important to you?
Who else or what else does this decision impact?

2. What are you most worried about in making this decision?
What possibility excites you the most?

3. What have you tried so far?
What do you think is the best process for this decision?

These questions encourage reflection and empower mentees to solve both the current problem they are facing and future problems. They also enable mentees to develop authentic solutions that fit their unique needs, values, and learning styles.

What questions have you used to encourage clear thinking in your mentoring relationships?

*Clear Thinking by Shane Parrish: (Farnam Street, 2023, ISBN: 0593086112)

The quality of your questions
Top Ten Reasons to Buy The Mentor’s Guide, Third Edition

Top Ten Reasons to Buy The Mentor’s Guide, Third Edition

by | May 8, 2022 | Advice for Leaders, Facilitating Learning, Growth and Development, Making Mentoring Work For You, Mentoring Communication, Mentoring Questions, Mentoring Relationships, Supporting Mentors and Mentees, Uncategorized

Major Changes to the 3rd Edition

Major Changes to the Third Edition

Since the first edition appeared in 2000, interest in and knowledge about adult learning and development has grown exponentially. We now recognize that adult learning is more than a cognitive process; it is a multidimensional phenomenon. The uniqueness of the adult learner has been accentuated over the last decade as we continue to learn about more the complexities of the brain, multiple types of intelligence, and our emotional selves. All of this has meant fundamental changes for mentoring, and for this guide. Among the major changes:

  1. A full two chapters are now devoted to the importance of context and connecting in mentoring, including an exploration of the context of difference and the context of how people come together to connect with one another in the relationship.
  2. Conversation between mentors and mentees are drawn from actual mentoring experiences in a variety of situations, including business, government, nonprofit, and higher education, and reflect the diversity of the global workplace.
  3. There is more discussion and emphasis on mentoring relationships embedded in  context including a consideration of the context of other differences—sexual orientation, gender, and race—in the mentoring relationship, with many examples 
  4. The chapter on the context of connection has been expanded to include physical, virtual, and personal context, with special attention to how virtual mentoring connections  offer new ways to create and enhance positive mentoring relationships.
  5. The section on mentoring matches addresses seeking, selecting and evaluating a potential mentoring relationship.
  6. Additional examples have been included along with an enhanced mentor skills list and updated approaches for starting your mentoring relationship.
  7. The goal setting process has been expanded from SMART goals to SMARTer goals, adding to the specificity and measurability of the process.
  8. There is an enhanced conversation guide to help mentors evaluate mentee learning goals, full consideration of emotional triggers that impact mentoring and guidance for co-creating your mentoring partnership 
  9.  Includes more emphasis on trust, including the dynamics of self-trust and interpersonal trust
  10.  Includes updated and enhanced content on feedback including how to get back on track when stumbling blocks get in the way. Explores the dynamics of the feedback process with many more examples and a feedback checklist for mentors.
Pre-Order Your Copy

Mentorship and the importance of Story.

by | May 10, 2019 | Advice for Leaders, Mentoring Relationships, Supporting Mentors and Mentees

Mentorship and the Importance of Story. By: Sarah Haggard

I’ve always been a storyteller. Stories entertain. They make us laugh. They make us cry. They remind us of our humanness, and leave us feeling raw and inspired all at once. They are the keepers of ancient wisdom, our legacy, and cultures all around the world. Stories hold tremendous power. We’ve all walked out of a movie hiding tears of sorrow at a story well told. Binged a Netflix series or finished a good book, and mourned it’s end. Our souls deeply moved, called into action.

So what does storytelling have to do with mentorship?

The origin of the word mentor comes from one of the great stories ever told, Odysseys. Mentor was Odysseys “wise and trusted advisor.” Today, mentors are in more demand than ever. We all want a sage advisor to turn to when the going gets tough. The challenge is, wisdom isn’t gained in the classroom nor in the boardroom; the places we most often look to for mentorship. Wisdom is gained from lived experiences, which are best told through stories.

Our age and years’ experience isn’t the sole indicator of wisdom either.

Some of us have lived a few lives over by the time we reach our twenties. While others are lucky enough to life a life of ease, privilege and stability. The truth is we’re only expert in our own life experiences, knowledge comes and goes. I lost my Mom at age 27. I mentor women in their 40s, 50s and 60s dealing with the loss of a parent because I understand grief, having lived through it. Developing the ability to narrate our life experiences using story is key to being able to mentor, or be a “wise and trusted advisor” for others.

So what can you do to become a wise and trusted advisor for someone else? The first step is to know your story. Here are five ways you can get started today.

1. Make a lifeline chart, plotting out the high and low moments in your life.

2. Make a list of common themes that emerge from that timeline.

3. Write your story, highlighting those key themes, in less than 1,000 words.

4. Practice telling your story.

5. Sign up to become a mentor, sharing your story and passion for mentoring others from your lived experiences.

In a world where mentors are in more demand than supply, getting to know your story is the greatest gift you can give someone else. It is also where you’ll find your greatest passion and purpose.

Sarah Haggard is the CEO and Founder of Tribute, a modern mentorship app for the workplace that connects employees together for mentorship through shared life experiences and stories. When not working, Sarah enjoys reading, writing, mentoring college students and spending time on her houseboat with friends and family in Seattle, WA.

Dealing With Impostor Syndrome When You’re Treated as an Impostor

by | Jun 30, 2018 | Advice for Leaders, Facilitating Learning, Growth and Development, Mentoring Communication, Mentoring Questions, Mentoring Relationships, Mentoring Training, Supporting Mentors and Mentees

By The New York Times Kristin Wong June 12, 2018

Impostor syndrome is not a unique feeling, but some researchers believe it hits minority groups harder.

Last May, I walked into a room of impeccably dressed journalists at a media event in Los Angeles. I tugged on my pilly cardigan and patted down my frizzy bangs.

When a waiter presented a tray of sliced cucumbers and prosciutto and asked, “Crudité?” I resisted the temptation to shove three of them into my mouth and instead smiled and replied, “No, thank you.” I was focused on the task at hand: pretending not to be a fraud among this crowd of professionals.

Ironically, I was at the event to interview someone about impostor syndrome.

The psychologists Pauline R. Clance and Suzanne A. Imes coined the term in 1978, describing it as “internal experience of intellectual phoniness in people who believe that they are not intelligent, capable or creative despite evidence of high achievement.” In other words, it’s that sinking sense that you are a fraud in your industry, role or position, regardless of your credibility, authority or accomplishments.

This is not a unique feeling, and it hits many of us at some point in our lives. But some researchers believe it hits minority groups harder, as a lack of representation can make minorities feel like outsiders, and discrimination creates even more stress and anxiety when coupled with impostorism, according to Kevin Cokley, a professor of educational psychology and African diaspora studies at the University of Texas at Austin.

Read the full article here.